Finally, I've come to the end of a long week of media espionage and waking up early.
Honestly, is there anything more inhuman than not just having to wake up at 6:30 in the morning but actually having to be at work at 6:30 in the morning? The incessant bleeping as the alarm goes off in the dark at 5am is enough to make a grown woman cry.
Which is exactly what I would do if I didn't routinely switch it off, go back to sleep and then hurl myself out of bed at 6:05 to mad dash through the house wrestling with knickers, toothbrush and basically the desire to find anything to wear that doesn't make me look like a half crazed bag lady who spent the night nestled amongst the service station's rubbish bin.
I always clean my face though, just like my papa taught me.
In short, TGIMF. (The M is for Mothereffing.)
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Occasionally in the media espionage game, you come across something so utterly delightful and brimming with whimsy, it melts your heart in a thousand places. This morning was not one of those times.
In response to yesterday's coverage of Julia Gillard's sexy as a fox award*, 5AA's Jon Blake got his 'oh no you di'nt' on and let rip with complaints. Despite being older than Jesus, Blake somehow thinks it's his right to rag on women who don't live up to his rigourous standards of beauty - namely, to look like a Grid Girl and have an ass you could bounce marbles off of. Many times have I sat there and listened to him salivate on air as mentions are made of women young enough to be his distant ancestors from the future. This morning, he outdid himself as his vomitous outrage at the idea of Julia Gillard bringing sexy back progressed from inexpressible disgust at her body, face, hair and (because no criticism of Julia would be complete without it) that 'screeching' voice to this little pearler:
"I wouldn't let her on my couch without a flea collar."
Now, I know Julia's probably the last woman to be bothered by third rate Adelaide identities who, despite their best efforts to convince themselves otherwise, can only really attract a certain type of lusty woman through the liberal application of their bank balance but really...is this actually the kind of trash people like Jon Blake get paid to recycle?
Think for a moment how immediate and damning the reaction would have been had Blake said the same thing in reference to an Aboriginal person.
As tiresome as Blake's 'humour' is, I guess it's not wholly incomprehensible. After all, I have it on very good authority that he's [REDACTED], which I suppose is every aging Lothario's worst nightmare. On the other hand, it does mount a very good argument for the existance of karma.
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Now, this was quite cute. Caller George (or James? I can't remember) phoned in to Matt Abraham and David Bevan on the ABC this morning to tell them he'd lost his blue and red parrot. 'Birdie' is easily identified, because George/James has trained it to say "You're listening to ABC Radio on 891 Adelaide." Goerge/James is an elderly man living by himself and it took him 6 weeks to train Birdie. He's also taught him to say "I fly with Virgin Blue, do you too?" because he wanted to see if Richard Branson would give him some money.
I don't know about you, but I'm quite desperately sad that George/James has gone and lost his parrot. Something about the idea of him spending time teaching Birdie to mention the ABC specifically is just too adorable for words. *tear!*
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The last thing I offer today is a recommendation. Bec comments here often and has recently started her own blog. I'm not sure if any of you have any idea how incomparably hilarious she is, but you should really go check her out. Make Your Own Damn Sandwich makes me laugh and laugh, and as for Bec, well she's about as cute as a button. She went and had horrible things done at the dentist today, so go leave something nice for her to read m'kay?
Peace out (and for Adelaidians, good luck struggling to dispel the endless vrooms of the Fucksal 500 this weekend...and if you're going to be at Laneways tomorrow, come find me and say hi. I'll be the one who looks desperately uncool and out of place in amongst all the With It kids)
* For those looking to get a bit of fire in their bellies, just read some of the comments left on Bolt's article. My favourite was the quip about "Amanda Vanthirtystone". I bet Mick J of Brisbane had to have a few minutes in private with himself over the searing wit of that one.
Also, I'm growing tired of the endless comparisons between Julia Gillard and Julie Bishop. F'heaveans sake, you'd think they've nothing better to do in Parliament than strut around trying to win points from the boys.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thank God It's Fringe
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Now why can't men like THIS take me to breakfast and regale me with tales of their mind trips?
According to today's Newspoll, Kevin Rudd's popularity is soaring to new heights.
His approval rating as preferred prime minister is at 70 per cent.
On the other hand, only 9 per cent of people prefer Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson as prime minister.
Wouldn't it be hilarious if the Liberals slowly but surely went the way of the Democrats? In three elections time, they'll have dribbled away to a pathetic four representatives desperately trying to hold onto some kind of prestige and power. Joe Hockey will be the leader of the party, with Christopher Pyne, Malcolm Turnbull and Wilson Tuckey bringing up the rear. They'll actually have to redraw the Cabinet seating allocation to allow for the extra spill off from Rudd's dynasty to fill the Chamber.
And even though no one pays attention to them anymore, the four of them will fill their days sending out irate media releases protesting nothing in particular apart from the derailment of their own political prowess. Ha ha ha ha ha!
'Bye losers...
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In more important news, this man is quite clearly the hottest person alive.
There's a touch of the Kristoffersen about him, no? I am uncertain as to why more men do not dress themselves in this roguish, rough and tumble manner. Instead, we have either man thighs the circumference of my forearm tucked drainpipe jeans nestling just below the buttocks, or expensively pre ripped jeans coupled with flourescent Ed Harry party shirts.
Llewellyn Moss, you can take ME out the back and screw me as much as you like.
Peace out (Incidentally, No Country For Old Men = awesome)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I am, you are, we are Australian. Except some of us.
Mr Davis doubts any practical benefits will flow from apologising.
Caller Jim, 1:34.
"Caller Jim says the Stolen Generation were really the female babies who were deserted by their mothers and slung out in the rubbish."
Just...wow.
Now, we all know what a bastion of intelligent commentary Nova FM is. Lord knows I find their hourly new bulletins incredibly tough to absorb, because they last for a challenging (on average) 50 seconds. Let's just say I wasn't shocked to discover a) that they had opened up a forum on their website asking for opinions on the apology and b) that the following are a fairly representative sample of approximately 97% of respondents. Note the spelling. Ms Fits has already pointed out today that racist people are amazingly bad with grammar. Coincidence? YOU DECIDE.
13-Feb-2008 06:36
Its ridiculous 2 say sorry 4 something we are not responsible 4. It happened b4 our time. Its also frustrating 2 hear on the radio that the indigenous peopel dont want sorry...they want compensation. What exactly is compensation going to achieve? It wont change what happened. Yes, its sad what happened in th past, but its time to move on. Any other country in the world that has been invaded has managed to do so, why cant we?
13-Feb-2008 06:59
I understand that what happened was really bad but as nat said how many times do we need to say sorry just because we say it alot isn't going to change what happened. They have everything handed to them and most of them blow all the opportunities they get i find it SO unfair the amount they get given from the government for most of them sitting around town all day drinking their lives away.
13-Feb-2008 08:20
I am so disgusted and offended with this sorry nonsense that I have made up a NOT SORRY T short with huge white "Not Sorry" on the front. I am wearing it today in protest at this disgrace.
13-Feb-2008 09:00
The apology is wrong and disgusting. It should not be happening. The Aboriginals are only doing it for the money/compensation. As soon as the government says sorry they will be admitting liability opening up many loop holes for the Aboriginals to claim compensation. And it's going to be my hard earned dollars that pays them. Kevin Rudd promised to say sorry as part of his political propaganda before the election and now he's in has to follow through. Not even god can save us!
13-Feb-2008 09:49
I think it is offensive that they think that they deserve an apology, the majority don't conduct themselves in a way that makes any feel sorry for them. why should we as tax payers who had nothing to do with the legislation that caused these stolen Generations. This is just another money grab to do nothing and not contribute to society. This just better not lead to more handouts for those who have no desire to be of use to society.
I think we can safely say none of the above people will at all be affected by the apology today, so what's the big? I find it incredibly sad that people are so determined to steal this moment away from the Aborigines who have been waiting for so long for some kind of acknowledgement that what happened to them and their families was wrong, just because the idea of conciliation (the absence of the 're' is deliberate) with black people is so abhorrent to them. HATE.
Last but not least, our favourite Western Australian conservative dingleberry. Ladies and Gents, I give you Wilson Tuckey.
(After sulking outside the chamber during the apology and pointedly marching back in once Dishy Rudd had finished, Tuckey issued this sarcastic missive to the press outside Parliament House)
"Oh I think it's great news! We'll wake up tomorrow and there'll be no more petrol sniffing! Girls can sleep safely in their beds at night! It's all fixed!"
There's not really much you can say to that, except heave a big sigh and accept that if he doesn't get it now, he never will. The real question is, who are the people that keep voting this silly man in?
In conclusion, Rudd's apology to the Aboriginals today was one of the proudest moments in this nation's history. Genuinely moving, it marks the beginning of what I believe will be a concerted effort by the Rudd Govt to address the issue of reconciliation and the incredible disadvantages faced by the Aboriginal people.
Tomorrow shall be a wonderful day in which to rise and claim proud citizenship of this country.
Peace out (seriously, how many times did y'all tear up today?)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Political gumph #209345
Tony Abbott on Lateline, commenting on John Howard's attitude to Indigenous Australia and tomorrow's apology:
"I don't think there is anyone else in this country who has done more for Indigenous Australia in practical terms than John Howard. He is a man of great compassion."
Some of my best friends are compassionate ex Prime Ministers with a rich history of helping the black folk.Meanwhile, Tony Jones is a deadset Stone Fox. FACT.
Peace out (and Tony, I'm available for dates whenever...)
Ponderings
Greetings folk!
I am currently enjoying the stark reality of a return to full time work (at least for last week and this week) which leaves me rather dull and lacklustre. Consequently, my nights have been spent collapsed on my new couch (no more floor dwelling for me!) and watching teevee before taking to the streets to walk along to the boppy tunes on the Hairspray soundtrack.
Speaking of teevee, how unbelievably excellent is Dirty Sexy Money shaping up to be? I am crushed on it, and looking forward to a deep and committed relationship. I don't care how old Donald Sutherland is, he can still get my heart a-fluttering.
In other news, the apology planned for the stolen generations tomorrow is officially awesome. I am also greatly amused by the sulking going on with La Nelson. No, dear temporary opposition leader, you are NOT the most important person our lovely Rudd needs to be negotiating with. The only connection you have to the word 'stolen' is how it can be used to describe what you have done to the power of student unions across the country. For shame.
On a serious note, I am distressed by the level of racist vitriol espoused in the views of those against today's official welcome to Parliament by Matilda House. Read some of the delightful tidbits for yourself here. If that doesn't seem like your cup of tea, you can get a general idea of the quality through the words of "Liz of Balmoral":
What rubbish. I'm not sorry about anything: many Aboriginal children were saved from a terrible fate thanks to the kindness and generosity of churches and governments that had the best interests of Aboriginal people at heart. This is a slap in the face to all those good people. The Aborigines were a stone age people that were dragged up to the level of civilisation. We should all be grateful.
Bally ungrateful lot of pickneys. They should be thankful we gave them homes and taught them the Queen's English. The cheeky monkeys.
Here is something you may be interested in. It is my column from last Sunday. I accept that some of you may find it harsh, even racist. I think you would be wrong in this assessment, but it's possible you may jump to this conclusion so I'm interested to hear your thoughts on the matter.
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EARLIER this week, two Iranian sisters charged with adultery – and already subjected to 99 strokes of the cane – were found guilty and sentenced to death by stoning.The evidence against them consisted entirely of a video (recorded by one of their husbands in his absence) depicting the two sisters in the company of men not their relations.
This wasn't Girls Gone Wild: Tehran Edition. The women merely deigned to spend time with men they were neither married to, nor shared genetic information with. Sluts.
In Iran, this act has been deemed heinous enough to warrant they be buried up to their breasts in dirt and pelted with stones "large enough to cause pain, but not so large as to kill the victim instantly".
The Iranian legal system is so bestial and primitive that it actually continues to allow such modes of capital punishment to occur.
It's not just women who are the victims of such a hideous blend of government, patriarchy and religious justification. The week before, teacher and father of two Abdollah Farivar, 49, was sentenced to the same fate because he was found to be sleeping with one of his students.
In July last year, Jaffar Kiani's death by stoning met with international condemnation. His crime? Living with a married woman for 10 years and having two children with her.
And Dumbledore help those who dare to ponder The Woman Question. In Afghanistan recently, after downloading and distributing a pamphlet questioning the religious excuse for the oppression of women, 23-year-old male Sayed Pervez Kambaksh was tried for blasphemy, refused legal representation and sentenced to death.
Meanwhile, Iranian feminist magazine Zanan was closed down last month after 16 years because it was "portraying Iran negatively". Sometimes, I really have to pinch my arm to remind myself it's 2008.
I am sick to death of hearing stories like these, of men and women being absurdly punished by male-led, farcical legal trials "in the name of Islam". Basic civil liberties in countries like Iran are brutally fought for and dismally gifted.
In Saudi Arabia (where women are still not allowed to drive), women have amazingly just been granted the right to stay by themselves in a hotel . . . on condition, of course, that they provide the manager with photo ID to be cross-referenced with local police.
Pity the poor woman trying to flee a violent husband, who has little to no chance of those same police officers not returning her to him. She IS his property after all.
Let me be clear that I do not attribute any of these oppressive actions to the spirit of Islam.
At its heart, Islam is quite a beautiful religion, much more interesting (and, indeed, feminist) than Christianity.
My childhood was spent peacefully and safely among the desert dunes and whitewashed houses of Middle Eastern Oman. Our days were book-ended by Arabic calls to prayer, each as rich and mysterious as the burnt orange skies of dawn and dusk that accompanied them.
It is not Islam I despise, nor the Muslims who practice it as the Prophet laid out. It is the bastards who line themselves up as religious leaders insisting their countries remain in the dark ages. It's the fathers and brothers who, believing the women in the family to be little more than chattels, murder their daughters and sisters and have the audacity to label it a matter of "honour". It's the fact popular dissent against the system does exist in these countries, but democracy for these dissenters doesn't.
And increasingly, I am infuriated by members of the Left (of which I count myself part) who have bought so firmly into this idea that criticising obviously oppressive elements of Islamic practice somehow means publicly relinquishing their Progressive Thinker cred. A Leftie sans PT cred? How embarrassment. . .
Wise up, the Left. We have grown so concerned with counteracting conservative bigots that we're ignoring the fact fundamental, state-sanctioned human rights violations DO occur disproportionately in these countries.
The nine women and two men awaiting stoning in Iran will not thank us for our passivity. Our refusal to see this is the Emporer, and we the loyal subjects admiring his clothes.
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Thoughts? A very good friend accused me of incredible racism, which I wholly deny. But I'm interested in all y'alls opinions.
Peace out (fellow apologists)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Dating the enemy
And my run of terrible dates continues unabated.
I went out with a gent last night who was of the, shall we say, broadly Ostrayan persuasion. He took me to dinner at a relatively upmarketish pub, raving about the food and so forth. We all know I love to eat, so I was definitely keen to trip along and do the whole 'getting to know you' bit.
When I arrived, it became immediately apparent that we were deeply entrenched in a pub positively teeming with homosexuales. This was, of course, no problem for me. However, I felt it necessary to point out to my dinner companion. After all, nothing signals the death of relationship potential than blessed bigotry. He needed to be tested.
Sadly, he grew very quiet and uncomfortable. It wasn't that he didn't like them, he said; he just didn't want to have to see it. He just thought it was all a bit wrong. And for heaven's sake, would I lower my voice because they might hear and get angry.
What might they do, I thought. Pelt us with stardust and force us to dance jarringly to bad house music?
It is fair to say things did not improve when we disagreed on the merits of our illustrious former PM. Gent praised him as being the greatest thing this country has ever seen while I, as you know, have always dismissed him as a US grovelling turd whose mother tongue is Racialist and whose understanding of 'fairness' is limited to disputed calls in cricket. Square peg, round hole. C'est la vie.
The maddening thing was in many respects he was a lovely person. Honest, open and at least mildly prepared to discuss topics he might otherwise have never been challenged upon.
But you just can't go out with a gay-hater. It's like dating someone who hates sunshine, not to mention you're basically resigning yourself to a life absent of musical theatre. And that, my friends, is something I'm just not willing to compromise on.
Peace out (when will I find love...?)
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Columne the fourthe
We wake today to experience a glorious first in Australian history - a female (acting) Prime Minister! With Kevin Rudd doing leadership type things out of the country, Julia Gillard has the opportunity to create history and show the country just what a fiery redhead can do when she puts her mind to it. What a gal.....
*swoons*
Indeed.
As an aside, there's some rather silly discussion going on here regarding the existence of a glass ceiling. According to 'Saskia', "The glass ceiling is a myth invented by feminists in the 70's and used by those that fall short as an excuse. There have always been very successful women all through history. Its all about motivation. Julia - please don't even pretend to speak for women. Its merit or nothing. Stats mean nothing."
Poor statisticians, finding out now that there jobs are worthless. The problem of course with people like Saskia is that stats mean nothing until they miraculously begin to support your view instead of deny it. I agree that jobs should be awarded based on merit - but can we really say with confidence that that always occurs?
But then, I'm probably just blaming the glass ceiling for my own shortfalls. Silly feminists, always making things up to explain why they're so ugly and useless.
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First published 9/12/2007
It probably hasn't escaped your attention that I'm not backwards in coming forwards. More than anything, I'm proud to be an opinionated, articulate and intelligent woman. My parents raised me to respect others, but also to question. They encouraged me to be strong, to seek truth and to stand up for the things that I believe in. I believe that to stand by passively while injustice occurs makes me as guilty as the perpetrator.
For my strength of conviction, I've been called (amongst other things) 'vacuous', 'selfish', 'jealous', 'bitchy', a 'waste of space', and, my personal favourite, a 'hairy armed feminist who probably likes to shoot men and kick dogs'. Almost all of these insults have been hurled at me in response to something I've written or argued. Most of them have been uttered by men.
Who knew having an opinion could be cause so much fear and anxiety?
Certain men find intelligent, powerful women disconcerting because they secretly realise that these women are far smarter than them. See, when faced with an intelligent woman, these critics think that their best chance of winning against her is to abandon all logic and reason and simply insult her appearance or her worth as a human being. More ridiculously, they truly believe that these women will abandon their intelligence in favour of feeling worthless.
Look at Julia Gillard. Agree with her or not, no reasonable person could deny she's got a mind like a steel trap and the determination to go all the way. For her efforts, her critics have spent countless hours discussing her hair style, her voice and her decision to remain childless. A particularly vile chap called Matthew Hutchinson has even set up a Facebook group called "Julia Gillard has a face like it caught fire & was put out with a chain." Hutchinson's petrified of the possibility that she might one day be leader and represent us to the rest of the world with her 'dirty, skanky, whorish mouth.' Frankly, I'm petrified of the idea that he might one day breed.
Then there's Hillary Clinton. She's less struggled than soared her way up the political food chain in America to face a very real chance of becoming their next President. Yet she's faced an uphill battle against a conservative media in America that persists in undermining her achievements and abilities by focussing attention away from her campaign and onto her 'femininity' (or lack thereof). The New York Times recently published an entire article devoted to what they called her 'cackle'. Conservative pundit Sean Hannity pondered whether Clinton's laughter could be considered 'presidential'.
Last week, during a conversation about Nicole Cornes' political campaign I somehow wound up in an argument with her husband Graham. It reached a climax of farcical proportions during the ad break when, apparently defeated by reason, Cornes suddenly announced that women who don't like Nicole are all 'fat and ugly'. Although he spent the better part of an hour screeching loudly at me whenever I tried to say anything, he later claimed that Amanda and I were 'hostile'.
In yesterday's Sydney Morning Herald, Alan Ramsey further reinforced the titillating idea that women are just a lipstick's application away from descending into violent hair pulling and high heel gouging when it comes to another's physical appearance. He quotes the Herald Sun's Andrew Bolt, who said "I suspect it's because [women] never liked women who just get by on their looks."
I rather suspect it might be that man never liked women who just get by on their brains.
All this points to one thing. That we're still there. You know, that scarred and barren wasteland where women aren't allowed to have opinions and those who do are pustulous, loud mouthed jabberwocks stomping all over the countryside with their sensible shoes and fat, unattractive bottoms. Quelle horreur!
A message to those that seek to demonise women like me. Your hostility demeans only yourself. We are mirrors for your own fears of inadequacy. If you can't beat us, you seek to belittle us.
But you won't succeed. Because our voices are loud.
And we aren't afraid to use them.
WooooOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooot!Please do check out Matahari's blog. It has just been born, so you have the unique opportunity to follow her adventures from the start. Matahari is one of the best writers I know, so you'd be wise to use the heads up to firmly strap yourself to her engines - trust me, she's going to be big one day and you want to be able to say you were there first.
Peace out (knock 'em dead Julia...)
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Columne the seconde.
You can read my second column reprinted on Online Opinion here. Note in particular the lunatic ravings of 'Leigh' and 'tRAKKA' - their sentiments basically encapsulate about 98% of the letters I received after its first publication.
In addition to being referred to as 'stupid', 'ignorant' and 'talentless', I was called 'vacuous', 'a waste of space', 'narrow-minded' (!) and told to 'get a real job'. That last one made me laugh and laugh!
From online opinion, we have tRAKKA saying:
"What a silly, spiteful little Balmain basket weaver this writer is. "Payback is a bitch". Good grief! Imagine feeling so inferior that you feel people are talking down to you. Your problem, not Johns, girly!
I imagine one might gain slightly more credibility in their critique if they could bother to get the name of the author correct in the first place. How Clementine translates to Emma is beyond me.
I particularly love the implication that imagining disdain or oppression exists somehow belies a sense of inferiority in the speaker rather than a genuine interpretation of reality. In ten years time, when I realise what a 'twat' I've been, I'll be sure to look back and lament the time I stupidly believed myself to know better than my elders. Honestly, I don't even know why they allow us to vote...
This one is a work of art though. Ah Leigh! What an entertainer you are!
"It would be wonderful if the dead-head Y Generation did all migrate to New Zealand. They are no use here, and NZ immigrants to Australia have left plenty of room for them. It is appalling to contemplate that these total wastes of space are, as this one of them says, “the future leaders of Australia”. At 50 years of age, Kevin Rudd probably thinks the same way as we seniors do. If Rudd did deliberately appeal to the Y Generation as Ford seems to think, gawd help us all!
We can be sure that Ford really believes that: “Rather than being the disinterested lot we're painted as, young folk these days are far more savvy when it comes to, well, just about anything that their parents dealt with.” But that’s only because Generation Y is so disinterested in anything but itself, and wouldn’t have a clue what previous generations think, do or did. Everything was ‘just there’ for the little punks.
And simply denying that Generation Y is “anything but” self-interested and selfish, is merely a childish denial completely bereft of any self-examination. Also, the fact that this twerp can call a man (John Howard) old enough to be her grandfather, and with commensurate life experience, a “war monger” and yes man completes her self -portrayal as an ignorant little girl.
Generation Y should have been smothered at birth
It's a good thing we've got people like tRAKKA and Leigh to take us young folk down a peg or two. Apparently it is not the youth's to question political actions taken by men 'old enough to be their grandfathers'. Matter of respect I imagine. Thank heavens we live in the kind of society where the elderly are allowed to refer to us as 'selfish', 'twerps', 'ignorant' and 'wastes of space'. Generation Y should have all been smothered at birth, says Leigh. Wise words.
I did however also receive little missives from a couple of people who told me they were happy to see young people so engaged with the political process. This was my favourite:
"As an octogarian I can only say well done. Your comments described the feelings of not only the younger generation but that of those who voted for a new government.
It is the younger generation who are going to handle the affairs of this world. We older ones are being left behind. For example my knowledge of computors is only thanks to Tom, my grandson, taking the patience to show he the very basics. If it wasn't for him you would be getting this memo from my old Royal typewriter.
Unlike the previous government which only followed the Liberal idealogies I do believe Kevin Rudd is a very genuine person who is determined as he said "to govern for all Australians"
Your article described the situation better than all the political commentators put together.
Once again CONGRATULATIONS."
Seriously, what a heart warming little pocket rocket of love! I wish he HAD sent me a letter on his old Royal typewriter. I would definitely stick it up on my wall. It's nice to get some reassurance amongst all of the letters calling for my admittance to special ed school and tirades on how obviously brainless and uneducated I am.
Peace out (I'm off on a well needed voyage of knowledge, and then hopefully to find a real job...)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Columne the firste.
I've made it fairly obvious through the use of pathetically veiled clues that I have recently scored a weekly column here in A-town. Some of you have been asking where you can read said work. Unfortunately, they aren't being uploaded to the news website (yet - I'm planning on barracking to have this changed...) so I'll just have to reproduce them for you here.
I won't post them until at least a day or two after publication, because it seems like the fair thing to do. Remember Adelaidians, if you want first squiz at it, pick up a copy of the Sunday Mail on, well, Sundays, and turn to page 112.
Today's column comes to you from the 18th November and marked my 'debut'.
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Queer As Folk
First published in the Sunday Mail, Adelaide
18/11/2007
There's a scene during an episode of The Office in which Tim and Gareth are mulling over that old logic chestnut involving a chicken, a fox, a bag of corn and how the farmer may best ferry them across the river.
Gareth: Why can't he just get his wife to keep an eye on them?
Tim: He doesn't have a wife.
Gareth: All farmers have wives.
Tim: Not this one, he's gay.
Pause.
Gareth: Well, he shouldn't be allowed near animals then.
The brilliance of Ricky Gervais' humour stems mainly from its ability to make the viewer squirm uncomfortably at the recognisability of his characters. After all, Gareth isn't so unique. He's obsessed with the army, has career ambition and likes to label his stationery. He's also a pratt with a stupid haircut who honestly believes himself cosmopolitan because he refers to black people as 'coloureds' instead of 'darkies' and happens to think gay people are, well, a bit queer.
We laugh not just because Gareth's concerns are completely insane, but because there are an unfortunate number of people who actually think this way - as if same sex attraction is the equivalent of wanting to roger the entire farm six ways from Sunday!
Today, approximately 20 queer couples are donning their handbags and gladrags to attend Loved Up as part of the Feast Festival. On Montefiore Hill, these couples will pledge their commitment to each other as part of a mass gay wedding. Good on them I say. No matter which way I look at it, I just can't see what's so offensive and frightening about two loved up queer folk getting hitched.
Okay, so there's the traditional marriage argument. Marriage exists to mark the union between a man and woman, under God, please go off and procreate etc. But denying gay people the right to marry based on their exclusion from the traditional religious model should logically mean also denying straight couples who choose not to have God present.
I'm no theologian, but a quick stab in the dark seems to imply that for a marriage to be truly traditional, it would require some recognition of the woman as masculine property, the payment of a hefty dowry and the saving of nocturnal fumblings for a terrifying treat on the wedding night. Given that more and more couples are choosing to leave religious deities off the guest list, how can we still legislate based on the notion of tradition?
Frankly, considering the oppressive preaching heaped upon us from the self appointed saviours of our souls, I'm more offended by the idea of two fundamental evangelicals hitching their wagons to each other and breeding than I am by the concept of Mr and Mr Smith.
There are only five nations in the world that recognize same sex marriages and 15 that allow same sex civil unions (including some states in the US). Australia, the lucky country, the greatest country on earth according to some, recognises neither. A Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission (HREOC) report released in June revealed that there are 58 instances of discrimination against same sex couples in the Australian federal law, most of which amount to financial disadvantages.
Of course, with an election drawing ever nearer it's unsurprising to see the flailing government suddenly remember that the pesky gays can vote. When Malcolm Turnbull realised that whole communities of that lot lived in his electorate, he announced that a re-elected Coalition would allow interdependent same sex couples to share each other's public pensions and superannuation.
Even if I wasn't such a cynic, I'd realise that it's a blatant attempt on the part of the Coalition to snaffle votes. It's not enough for Turnbull and co to think gays are just a bit wrong - it seems they also think they're all stupid. Newsflash Turnbull - your pals can't spend 11 years telling an entire group of people that they're deviants and then expect them to wag their tails just because you threw them a bone.
It's high time that Australia backed up all this 'greatest country in the world' hoopla. Honestly, aren't there greater things to worry about than whether or not your next door neighbour is only interested in Dorothy as a friend? We're none of us perfect and that whole Biblical bit about not casting stones is quite inspired.
My mother always said that it's easy to keep someone in a trashcan, but to make sure they stay there you have to sit on the lid. Answer? No one moves anywhere. Let's embrace each other's difference!
After all, you know what they say. There's nowt so queer as folk...
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Mail received: Two letters, both nice. I was quite surprised, let me tell you. Wait til you hear about some of the hate mail I got for columne the seconde...
UPDATE: I'll be on Amanda Blair's 5AA (1395 on the AM dial) talkback show tomorrow at around 1pm if y'all want to tune in. I imagine I'll make great mention of being a big scary feminist.
Peace out (anonymice, don't even be tempted to beat the 'gay marriage is wrong' horse again..200 comments of claptrap from both sides is enough for anyone to wade through.)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
God may smite me
Gosh, isn't it fun though to debate hardline Christians? I've never quite understood how so many of them offer up the bible as proof of their God's existence. Ummmm...in case you didn't get the memo, I don't *believe* in your silly book. That's like me passionately arguing the existence of fairies and citing Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book as evidence.
And if you think about it, mine's an even stronger argument because at least there are pictures...
I'm writing this from my office and there's a delightfully cool breeze blowing through the window. The smells of toasted foccacias with generous lashings of cheese are all around me. Mmmm. Cheese. I'm sitting opposite a rather dashing young African man with skin the colour of Green and Black Organic Dark.
Question. Does admiring his physical beauty while focussing on the smoothness of his skin make me an imperialist? Does relaying his race to you lot make me a colonialist? I suddenly understand Maggie's monumental screwups in Extras as she attempted to bed her black colleague. At least I don't have any gollytoys on MY shelf.
Speaking of black people, I caught the tail end of America's Next Top Model last night. Not only is the most beautiful woman in the world contesting the title this year (Nnenna, you are a GODDESS) but the following conversation actually took place.
Cast of Characters
Dani, 18 from Spring, Texas. WHITE. Self described as the world's most fiercest Republican. Hates gays.
Danielle, 22 from Little Rock, Arkansas. BLACK. Seems to have a rather unfortunate vocal twang, but is otherwise eager and down to earth. Hates racists. Is here to WIN the competition!
So, the models are all gathered round the dinner table, looking at the food when Dani pipes up with something about how people always consider her a racist because of her views. I'm going to paraphrase here, but...
Danielle: So, like what kinds of things do you think?
Dani: First of all, I HATE Affirmative Action. I think it is the biggest pile of crap I've ever heard of.
Danielle: Really?!
Dani: Yeah, why should you favour one...
[interrupting]
Danielle: Well, I know that when I worked at Abercrombie & Fitch, I was the only black girl there.
Dani: Yeah, but why would black people even...
[interrupting]
Danielle: Excuse me? What are you trying to say there?
Dani: I'm just wondering why that's a problem when black people wouldn't even...
Danielle: You better watch what you're saying there! Seriously, you better WATCH it.
[I'm thinking, just let her fucking say it Danielle, because it's bound to be totally wack]
Dani: No, all I'm saying is...I mean, it's not like I'm going to go shop at FUBU, so why would black people go to Abercrombie & Fitch?!
[stunned silence. argument follows between D&D]
Dani: I don't understand why you're overreacting so much!
Some other white girl: I don't think she's overreacting. We all heard what you said.
Dani: You can't tell me I'm racist because you don't know what I feel, but I do and I know I'm not racist!
Right. White people shop in safe stores like A&F filled with polo tops and boat shoes, and black folk steal their shiny tracksuits and junkie clothes from FUBU.
You know it's true.
Of course, Dani later goes on to tell Tyra and the two gays on the selecting panel that she was just trying to be controversial in her video. You know, when she said she absolutely hated gays. Tyra tells her that she's in for a rude shock in the fashion world because everyone is gay. Jay and Bleach Tips look at her uncomfortably.
Dani: It's nothing personal, it's just that I don't agree with your lifestyle at all!
Needless to say, she didn't make the cut.
Speaking of gays, my friend Peter and I were facebooking today discussing the content of my first column on Sunday. Basically, it was gay marriage = why the jimbob not? Peter responded thus:
"I'm afraid i can't agree with you re the gheys.
I feel that them having official relationships irreversibly dilutes the relationship I have with my lady love and also God.
I suppose you could call me "pro marriage", in that I want to limit the number of people who are able to partake in it, thus actually impeding the growth and development of it. A curious argument, but if you read Paul's Letters to the Corinthians, I'm sure you'll find it all makes sense."
It tickled me a particularly bright shade of pink. If only more people would see the silliness in focussing energy on such a meaningless ban.
O ha! Organic Dark and I just had a conversation regarding the Coalition. To cut a long story short, he now has my email address, mainly because he asked me to send him that picture of John Howard simulating gobbies with the Treasurer. If we get married, perhaps someone might make a film out of OUR chance meeting.*
Peace out (cue religious indignation on MANY levels)
* Seriously, they only just met and they're talking books and movies already? They've been dating for like, a week. I feel this all has the potential to end very badly. And I'm excited to watch...
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Boobylicious
More quality than the TAB form guide... A couple of days ago, I sent an email out to my entire address book in what I thought was a relatively passive gesture (although one designed to make the recipients privately furious). The email contained a link to this article about a competition Zoo magazine is running to win breast implants for one lucky lady (or more specifically, one lucky male’s girlfriend).
As Ruby pointed out, I probably should have requested an ix-nay on the hitting reply all button. Instead, there’s a fiery debate occurring via email and lord knows how many people who’ve thus far refrained from commenting are getting jacked off with me for starting this whole thing. Oy, vey!
Praise Dumbledore for delivering unto us Web 2.0. I should have just blogged it in the first place...
So I’m moving the debate here, at which point it will undoubtedly die as is the rule of Sod’s Law. I’d rather it didn’t, but I feel it incumbent upon me not to isolate the many people who aren’t able to have endless replies filtering their inbox. Sorry y’all.
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The article in question, from The Daily Telegraph:
“MEN'S magazine Zoo has been blasted for a sleazy competition that invites male readers to "win" their girlfriend a boob job by sending in shots of her cleavage.
Women's health groups have attacked the magazine, branding the competition a poor-taste publicity stunt that is unethical and possibly even illegal.
"I'm disgusted and appalled, and very doubtful they can even offer major body modification as a prize," said public health researcher Dr Jenny O'Dea, of the University of Sydney.
"You simply cannot treat women in this way, like objects there for men's satisfaction."
Zoo Weekly magazine has launched the online competition offering $10,000 breast implants as a prize to the girl "who deserves it most".
"One lucky Zoo reader will be able to give his girlfriend the ultimate present," magazine editor Paul Merrill said in a statement.
"It's impossible to think of a more romantic gift than new breasts. [Hear that? IMPOSSIBLE! Seriously, try and think of something MORE ROMANTIC! See! YOU CAN'T!!]
"It's the gift that keeps on giving."
The magazine has called for men, or their girlfriends, to send in shots of the woman's cleavage which are then voted on by readers.
"Once we've got them all in, our readers will vote for who deserves it the most," said Mr Merrill, who believes this is the first competition of its kind in the world.
"The winner will receive the plastic surgery valued at $10,000."
Dr Howard Webster, president of the Australian Society of Plastic Surgeons, said the organisation strongly disapproved of the stunt.
"It's medically unethical to offer surgery as a prize and furthermore it's inappropriate for a guy to win this prize and offer it to his girlfriend," Dr Webster said.
"What would we think if a women's magazine ran a lottery for a penis enlargement and asked women to volunteer their boyfriends?"
He said any surgeon who agreed to carry out the operation may be in breach of medical ethics and even the law.
A publicist for the magazine said the surgeon was still yet to be confirmed.
Asked if she was aware that such a competition may be illegal, she said "that may be the case but that's something the winner can sort out directly."
Meanwhile, sexuality researcher Dr Julie Mooney-Somers, of the University of NSW, said she was concerned men would volunteer women without their knowledge.
"What's to say these women even want a boob job or that it's even safe for them to have it," said Dr Mooney-Somers.
"There may be some very horrified women out there thanks to this."”
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But I’d expect nothing less from Zoo. What saddens me are the number of men and women who responded to this story in The Tele. I wish we could get to the stage where people could see that women’s groups aren’t made up of green skinned wicked witches who regularly get together to shoot the shit and cast spells with menstrual blood and testicles. It’s this very example of abusing stereotypes that has recently led me to temper my blanket disapproval of Liberals – but that’s a post for another time…
Here are the choicest comments from the pool of despair that met me following the article:
This has been done before, very successfully i might add, In a UK magazine called Redline. Its a car magazine. The competition was a huge success, and the girls who were entered felt excited about the price they where going to win. People forget that girls want nice breasts, this will certainly help someone feel better about themselves. Brilliant.
Posted by: Matt 9:34am today Comment 33 of 34
Actually, I have nice breasts already. They’re kind of small and they don’t look amazing in a bathing suit but they serve their purpose well. I guess their diminutive size is why I have such APPALLING SELF ESTEEM and nothing at all to do with the fact that I’m constantly told how blondes have more fun.
Victoria of Melbourne - Sweetheart, I think you've gone abit far with this one. I do understand and appreciate womens rights groups, but seriously, everyone has taken this way too far 'If a woman wants a breast augmentation, that should be her own private and independent decision, not a publicity ploy at the hands of a media outlet and a selfish desire by her partner'. I wouldn't call this a selfish desire by someones partner. You know how many women out there would love to get their boobs done if they had the money. I just think You really need to chill out and get a life honey!! Maybe if you took the time out and stopped whinging, perhaps you could see the funny side to this...
Posted by: Beck of Leichhardt 8:49am today Comment 29 of 34
Relax. The women should be rapt that their husbands were thinking about them by entering them in this competition!
Posted by: Marty of Melbourne 6:09pm August 13, 2007 Comment 22 of 34
Yes mens mags are sexist, but hey what do you expect! I would have a huge laugh if my boyfriend entered me in the competition and would be even happier if I won. People win cosmetics and cars to make them feel better, why not a boob job? Maybe if people are worried about how it would affect the women who doen't know they are being entered, they must also authorise the entry
Posted by: sarah of sydney 5:33pm August 13, 2007 Comment 19 of 34
It does seem to be the polite thing to do, doesn’t it? Honey, just so you know, I think your breasts are SMASHING, but they could be a bit more SMASHINGER. Cue you feeling better about yourself!
There are thousands of women who are more than happy to get boob jobs - so why not save yourself the $10,000 in the process? It should probably be women submitting their own entries though, rather than winning and feeling liek they have to proceed even if it's not what they want!
Posted by: AD of Sydney 5:26pm August 13, 2007 Comment 18 of 34
Gosh, it would be terrible if they felt they had to proceed even if they didn’t want to! Still, recovery times these days is supposed to be awfully fast, and she’ll have the groping hands of her partner to ride her through the pain.
gee if i was a girl and had small breasts, and wanted a booby job , i'd send my own entry in
Posted by: pete of nowra 4:40pm August 13, 2007 Comment 4 of 34
Gee, if my boyfriend said ‘booby’, I’d punch him in the willy.
I think these stupid women's group have gone abit far with this. My boyfriend buys Zoo religiously each week, and I do read it. There is some bits that may seem to go abit far, but I think it's only meant to be abit of fun, and it shouldn't be taken too seriously. We have a good laugh at some of the stuff that's in it, overall I think it is a great magazine with an even better price tag. And I'd be very greatful if my boyfriend won me a boob job!!! Maybe I'll send in a pic of my cleavage..
Posted by: Beck of Leichhardt 4:37pm August 13, 2007 Comment 3 of 34
The thing people often forget about women’s advocacy groups, Beck, is that you get to work because they made it happen. The sexual empowerment thing – that came from Playboy. And boy don’t I feel empowered now! Who even NEEDS a brain?
Simple, if your offended by it, dont buy the mag, and dont enter the comp. My girlfriend would like me to win it for her. While it would be very, very poor form for a bloke to take a pic and send it in without his girlfriends knowledge or approval, who are you do gooders to tell everyone else what their beliefs should be? Get over yourselves
Posted by: Nathan Smith of WA 1:59am today Comment 26 of 34
Right now I’m more offended by your atrocious disregard for grammar. Wait….nope, back to being offended by your ability to breathe.
WOMANS HEALTH GROUP... a bunch of old hags who got nothing better to do then to whinge about us guys having abit of fun.
Posted by: fernando of city 9:21pm August 13, 2007 Comment 24 of 34
I know! It’s really mean. Why don’t you go out and date rape someone for a spot of fun? I’ll stand watch and scare do-gooders away with my wrinkled up Medusa face.
Dr Webster's got it right. When are Cleo and Cosmopolitan going to run a penis enlargement contest? Would Paul Merrill like to send a picture in?
Posted by: Jessica of Coffs 6:38pm August 13, 2007 Comment 23 of 34
Jessica, you speak my language! (Haggish)
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Vignettes of this 'n' that
Ah well. Things could be worse. I could be addicted to My Spazz, which would make me both time poor and unappreciative of superior web 2.0 endeavours. Swings and roundabouts...
"At last! A musical about 20 somethings in Australia!"
Here is the review I wrote for Indaily. It will give you a fair idea of the quality of the production...
That aside, I believe this elected government will have a honeymoon of 12-18 months before the unions start rattling cages and sabres.
Kevin won't be the answer to your prayers Emma. First decide what you want and then work out what YOU have to do to achieve your aims. You won't get anywhere, by the way, UNLESS you help others get what they require. So sorry, you're going to have to do some more work to get to your utopia.
Good fortune on your voyage of knowledge. I've a feeling you're going to need it.