Teen Angst Diary Readings

On Saturday, I was fortunate enough to be invited to speak at Lisa Dempster's Literary Experience at Format Festival. After a very interesting panel on how writers mine the personal and what drives them to write (ie for me, it's incredible narcissism), I read out teen angst diary entries from my time in England.

Many things were revealed during this reading: 

1. I was an obnoxious brat who thought she was far too clever by halves

2. There is something very wrong with a girl who thinks certain kinds of bulimia are excusable

3. Pedophiles are everywhere

4. What kind of 13 year old imagines themselves to be in 'upper management'?

The diary entries below are recreations; I did keep a diary during this time, but I threw it away some years ago in a fit of stupidity. WHY? I've faithfully rewritten these from memory - at the very least, it is DEFINITELY what I sounded like as a teenager. Some clarifications:

1. I am not making up the stuff about Satan. I used to have panic attacks over it and everything.

2. I truly did believe Martin the Pedophile was amazing; to this day, I still don't regret that feeling of being trusted and 'valued', and that's the worst thing about groomers.

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October, 1993 – 12 years old

Dear Diary,

England is rubbish. I can’t believe mum and dad made us move here. It’s so cold and it’s always raining. I miss Oman, and especially all of my friends there like Sarah, Joy, Chris Segers, Katya and especially Chris Blanchard. I don’t miss Jemima because she is a bitch and she also thinks she’s really good, but I guess in every group there’s always one person who has to be crap.

Raining again. At least the TV is good here.

October, 1993 – 12 years old

Dear Diary,

There is a girl who lives at the end of our road who has a weird, bony head and a hearing aid on it. There is definitely something wrong with her and she makes me really uncomfortable whenever I see her, like, sick almost and a bit scared. What if that happened to me? She was probably born like that but still. What if I ended up with a deformed head or deaf or something?

They have Neighbours on TV here. It’s really good.

October, 1993 – 12 years old

Dear Diary,

I am never going to get my period. I really never well. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m just one of those girls who will never get her period. (Ed's Note - Apparently I didn't realise that 'one of those girls' might also make me 'one of those boys') It’s so embarrassing. Charlotte thinks she’s so good because she’s had her period since she was 13. She acts like she’s so grown up but she doesn’t even have a licence, plus she has to share a room with me which makes her a baby. She’s soooooooo messy – I had to draw a line down the centre of the room with scarves to make sure she knows which side of the room all her rubbish needs to be kept on. So I make sure I always throw it back on her side when she leaves it on mine. My side is super clean, but hers is always messy because she’s not as neat as me. I think she smokes too, probably at the college. I wonder if she’s met any boys yet? I’ll never meet a boy because I’m fat and they always want to go out with my friends. Life sucks, hey diary?

November, 1993 – 12 years old

Dear Diary,

Went for a walk around the town today. Cold and miserable AS USUAL. But I caught this boy looking at me. He was really cute – I guess my hair did look kind of pretty today, flapping about in the wind. I wonder if I’ll see him again? He might go to my school.

Wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend. Would you do things together? Probably go to the cinema and then get off with each other afterwards. Some girls do more than that, but that’s because they have no self esteem apparently. Silly to think about it because no boy will ever want to go out with me, especially when I have no boobs and a fat bum.

This year I will lose weight and get really pretty and popular and then all the boys will want me and it will be just like that movie Teen Witch. I wish I had magic powers. I would definitely get rid of my freckles and make my stomach disappear. And also maybe make a new bedroom for Charlotte so she can keep all of her CRAP outside of my SPACE!

Still no period.

November, 1993 – 12 years old

Started school today. It was pretty scary. The halls smell funny and all the classrooms are untidy. There are loads of girls wearing really short skirts. I wish I could wear a short skirt.

Sarah sent me a letter. She’s going out with Chris Blanchard and she says she totally loves him. I can’t believe her. She’s supposed to be my BEST FRIEND and she knows that I have been in love with Chris since last year and yet she goes and STEALS him from me! I hate her. I am never going to talk to her again. I hope he dumps her because she’s obviously not a very nice person. She got her period in June and brought a note to school for Mrs Parker. She thought she was so good to, clutching her stomach just so everyone could tell that she’d gotten it and think she was really grown up. Stupid freckled Scottish bitch.

Still no period.

December, 1993 – 12 years old

Hey diary, guess what? I got my period!!!! It came last night. I woke up and it was just there. I’ve been using mum’s pads all day. I can’t believe girls who are freaked out by it – it’s not that big a deal. Joy Beecroft didn’t believe us when we told her about periods. She thought we were lying, because her mum hadn’t told her anything about them. She is sure going to be really shocked when it happens to her. How can a 12 year old not know about periods?! But I guess she’s just not as mature as some of the rest of us.

I definitely do feel more grown up. I suppose it’s because I’m a woman now. I looked at myself in the mirror today and thought I seemed a bit older. I wonder if other people will be able to tell? Charlotte hasn’t said anything yet, but if she has noticed it’s probably because she’s jealous that I got mine at 12 and she was 13 which I think definitely means that I am more mature than her. Some people are just ready to grow up faster, you know?

It’s a bit crampy I suppose, but it’s a good kind of pain because it’s something that only women get so it’s almost like it’s a bit of a secret. I wonder if you can still fiddle with yourself while you’ve got it? Joe Stewart once asked me if I masturbated but I told him NO that it was GROSS because apparently masturbation is when you stick a finger inside yourself and wiggle it around, and that is just really weird and dirty. But I don’t think that the other thing I do is that bad, although sometimes I wonder if God is watching. I have prayed to him to ask him to forgive me, but it’s difficult to stop. I’ll try harder.

Alright, better go and have some panadol.

December, 1993 – 12 years old

Mum found out I got my period because I’d been flushing the pads down the toilet and the plumber had to be called out. It was sooooooooo embarrassing – she asked Charlotte if it was her and she said no so there was only one other person it could be and she looked at me and I had to tell them it was me and Dad and Toby were in the room so now they both know that I HAVE MY PERIOD and it’s just completely embarrassing!!! Toby teased me about it, but I told mum and he got in trouble. HAHA!

March, 1994 – 12 years old

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been aaaaaages since I’ve written. Dad’s moving back to Oman to work. I really wish we could go back with him. I hate England and I hate this stupid seaside town we live in. And I really HATE Anna Chesney.

I’m so fat, it’s disgusting. Why can’t I just lose weight and just stop being such a pig? I am starting a diet tomorrow for sure.

April, 1994 – 12 years old

Still fat.

May, 1994 – 12 years old

Still fat. Monstrously fat.

September, 1994 – 12 years old

Dear Diary,

I got a job at the nursing home washing dishes. It’s good because it means I’ll have a bit of money to spend. I really want to buy a CD player, and maybe some new clothes because guess what? I’ve actually lost a bit of weight! I’ve started walking everywhere, like to school and back and doing these exercises I found in a book. I think the secret is also not really eating much, which just seems so obvious! So now I have a yoghurt for breakfast and then I make sure I don’t eat ANYTHING at school, which is getting a lot easier and then when I come home (walking) I do my exercises and then I let myself have four Ryvitas with some jam on them. And I’ll have a little bit of dinner, but definitely NO DESSERT. And it’s actually started to work! My clothes are definitely looser and I think I can see it in my face. It’s funny what happens when you just get a bit smarter about things, isn’t it? It’s so obvious. Fat people really only have themselves to blame.

Anna Chesney said she’d take me shopping. We’re friends again. She’s alright I guess. She told me she’ll take me to the park on the weekend where the boys hang out. Bit scary, but feel lots more confident now.

December, 1994 – 13 years old

Dear Diary,

Dad came home for Christmas. He was so surprised when he saw me because I’m really thin now! We had a beautiful tree and mum was really happy to have dad home. I was worried when he went away that maybe they were splitting up and I don’t think I could cope with that at all. Charlotte says not to be stupid, but what would she know? She’s still messy. She’s also a total cow. She told mum I had cigarettes in my drawer and mum got soooooooo angry and asked what they were doing there. I had to tell her that I was looking after them for a friend, which I think she believed. But seriously, like she can talk – she smokes so if she says I can’t it just makes her a HYPOCRITE! Krystal’s mum lets her smoke at home and she’s my age! Her mum is so cool – she just treats her like a grown up and I think that’s really amazing because HELLO! We’re not kids anymore! ELkie Brooks’ mum even lets boys stay at her house, but I don’t know about that. It does seem a bit young to me, besides, what happens if she gets PREGNANT? She might have to have an abortion or she might even keep it and then her life would be RUINED. Besides, boys only want one thing. I would never have sex with a boy unless I loved him.

I think I have a crush on one of the boys in the panto, but I’m nervous because he’s a bit older. And then sometimes I wonder if he’s been sent here by Satan to tempt me. Satan scares me, and how can you know whether or not a boy is a real boy or if he’s a devil? Because they exist. What if Satan is trying to get me? NO. NO NO NON NONONON YOU CANNOT GET ME SATAN! IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN.

I am thinking about becoming a Catholic.

Still haven’t managed to stop touching myself, but I DO feel guilty about it and have promised God I will really try hard to stop doing it.

PS Olive from the nursing home gave me a block of Cadbury chocolate for a Christmas present because she likes when I visit with her. It was really nice of her, but I can’t eat chocolate. I gave it to my brother because as if I’m going to reverse all the good work I’ve done by eating a block of chocolate. Didn’t tell Olive.

March, 1995 – 13 years old

Dear Diary,

I am sooooooooooo in love with Ben Pert. He is the most cutest, nicest boy I’ve ever met in my whole life. I have liked him for three whole months, which is longer than I have ever liked anybody so I know it’s really serious. His girlfriend JOANNA is such a bitch. I don’t know why he likes her but it’s probably because she has massive tits and is easy. She’s in year 7, so she’s TWELVE and he’s 16! I can’t believe her cheek. And she’s so boring. I don’t think she’s had sex with him but I did hear that she let him put his hand in her pants so she will probably have sex with him soon which is DISGUSTING because she is TOO YOUNG.

I think that Ben could like me as well. We all went to the cliffs the other night (I’ve been hanging out at the park – it’s the easiest place to go when I just NEED a cigarette) and I was sitting there and I was a bit cold so I was shivering, and then Ben must have noticed because he took off his Adidas jacket and gave it to me to wear! HE IS SO ROMANTIC and SUCH a gentleman. I will just die if I don’t get to kiss him. Why can’t he see that I am much better than Joanna, even if I don’t have big boobs? IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT COUNTS.

March, 1995 – 13 years old

I HATE ANNA CHESNEY! SHE IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING BITCH IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! SHE HAS RUINED MY LIFE!

She told Benji that I liked Ben and now Ben knows and he will never talk to me ever again! Benji laughed at me today in the High Street so I just know that they all know!

Of course, Anna has denied EVERYTHING but then she would because she is nothing but a SNAKE and a JEALOUS BITCH. I know it’s just that she’s jealous because she thinks she should be the only girl who gets to hang around them. Stupid fucking tart, with her dumb house and her crap haircut.

I AM NEVER TALKING TO HER AGAIN.

April, 1995 – 13 years old

Still humiliated over Ben situation. We went to Oman to visit dad and it was well different from when we were there last time. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming because I wanted it to be a surprise, but then no one made any time to see me! Sarah is now best friends with Jemima and they had a party but they didn’t invite me because Jemima is a mean fat bitch and she just wants all the boys to herself. HAHAH! As if! No one wants to kiss a minger.

Chris Blanchard has moved back to America. I really wanted him to see the new, thin me. I think everyone was surprised. Chris Segar told me I had really changed a lot. I bet that’s why Jemima didn’t invite me, because she’s JEALOUS. Also why Sarah didn’t want to talk to me. They need to get over themselves and GROW UP.

Hated Oman. Really pleased to be back in England with my REAL best friends, Kate, Rachel, Ruth and Andrea. We are going to have a sleepover for my birthday. Kate is my new best friend. She understands about the weight thing because she is also concerned about her body. She is totally beautiful though. I wish I had her body.

Mum is really worried about me, but it’s like, GET OVER IT. She saw me in my school trousers and bra and started freaking out and telling me I had to eat. Like, no way am I going to start eating all that crap again so I can just get FAT and DISGUSTING! She just wants me to get fat because she doesn’t like the fact that I actually LOOK GOOD for once. Besides, I am not near enough too thin – I still have a massive gut and a huge arse and I definitely need to lose at least 5 more kilos, especially after all the ice cream over holidays. YUK.

June, 1995 – 13 years old

I got a job at the Sweet Shop!!!!!! Yes, I have wanted to work there for AGES! Martin the owner is soooooooooo nice and he really loves teasing all the girls. I was in there the other day and he brought in some of his friends and he told them all how lucky he was to have such a gorgeous girl working for him! He is really charming and really treats all the girls like grown ups. His wife just had another baby – they live upstairs in a flat, but he spends a lot of time sitting in the shop smoking cigarettes and watching football. I am going to try and become one of his top girls, like Leanne Stasi, so I will have more responsibility and get to be the boss when he’s not in the shop. It’s good to have ambition.

June, 1995 – 13 years old

Dear Diary,

I definitely have become one of the top girls at the Sweet Shop. Martin totally trusts me now. He’s really cheeky – he came up behind me the other day when I was selling some cigarettes and started crawling his fingers up my leg to my skirt. I had to swipe his hand away and tell him to go away, but it was really funny! He took me out for a pint afterwards and started telling me about his marriage. Poor Martin. His wife never has sex with him anymore because of the baby and the fact that he says his wife is frigid. He told me that sometimes he sees prostitutes, which is probably not really like cheating because it’s not like it’s an AFFAIR and everyone knows that men have needs. I was really glad that he trusted me enough to tell me – that’s the good thing about Martin. He doesn’t treat you like a kid, but like an equal.

The only problem with the shop is that I eat a lot of icecream. The hazelnut is my favourite, But – and I know it’s not GREAT diary – I have started just eating a bit and then throwing it up straight away. It’s not like it’s THAT bad because it’s just the ice cream, not like it’s EVERY SINGLE THING I EAT like real bulimics. They are gross, but this is totally different.

Leanne Stasi came home from Italy. She will be coming back to the Sweet Shop but I had to tell her the other day that since she’s been gone I’ve sort of taken on her role. I know she will also have power in the shop, but I just wanted her to know that I do too because it’s best to just be honest about things because I just don’t want things to get petty, plus she needs to know that Martin has made me one of his confidants and not get weird or possessive about it.

July, 1995 – 14 years old

Dear Diary,

I really think I’m in love with Andrew Gleeson. At first I thought I liked his brother Christian but now I know it’s definitely Andrew that I like. He is friends with Sam Farrow and she and I have become really good friends working at the shop together. We go to her house after school and smoke behind the flats. Her parents are Jehovah’s Witnesses, which means they don’t celebrate Christmas. Isn’t that SO WEIRD?! Samantha isn’t weird though – she’s really cool. Anna Chesney is soooooo jealous that we’re friends but if Anna wasn’t such a stupid cow maybe Samantha would be friends with her too. She only has herself to blame, because she is a backstabbing bitch and eventually if you backstab too much you get what’s coming to you.

Andrew has red hair (like me!) and we have a love calcuation of 99.7%!!!!! I gave him a super sized ice cream the other day and only charged him for a normal size. I think he appreciated it because he asked if I was going to go to the amusement arcade after work and play the fruit machines. I wonder if he’ll become my boyfriend? Anna would be SEETHING if that happened, she’s liked him for ages. SUCKED IN ANNA!!!!!

July, 1995 – 14 years old

Dear Diary,

I got soooooooo drunk last night with Leanne’s cousin Tracey! We drank a six pack of cider and bought some cigarettes. Then we ran into these two guys from the sixth form and drank some more with them and went to the pier and watched the sea crash on the rocks. Tracey got off with one of them but I was too scared to get off with the one I was with. He put his arm around me though and didn’t try anything, so he probably respects me which is different to Tracey’s boy – she told me later that she let him suck her boob which just means that he’ll think she’s easy and he probably won’t want anything but sex from her. Some girls really don’t get it.

I’m working heaps at the Sweet Shop, and it’s been cool with Leanne back. There is definitely room for two of us there, and it doesn’t have to be bitchy or difficult. We have a new sanitiser for the ice cream scoop water, but Leanne and I are the only ones allowed to pour it in because it’s really delicate and we don’t want to poison anyone. I had to tell Laura the other day not to do it, because she wasn’t one of the bosses. Honestly, why can’t people just follow the rules?

Martin was telling me about Ouzo the other day, which is a Greek alcohol. I told him that I’d never tried it and he said he had some in the flat upstairs if I wanted some. So I went up with him after work – his wife wasn’t there so it was just us – and he gave me some. It tasted shocking! But I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle it, so I drank the whole thing. He started teasing me and telling me that I didn’t know how pretty I was and that I wasn’t brave. I laughed and told him that wasn’t true, and then he dared me to come over and give him a hug and said that he bet I wouldn’t do it. I told him that of course I would and that I’m much more grown up than he thinks, and to stop being cheeky. So I gave him a quick hug and then went back to the couch and finished my Ouzo. He is really funny. I feel really lucky to have him as a boss and to be treated PROPERLY like a grown up for once in my life!

August, 1995 – 14 years old

Dear Diary,

Charlotte has moved into Norwich. I know she had sex a few months ago, because she was swanning about like she was the greatest thing in the world. Honestly, it’s just sex. Some people need to grow up – anyone can have sex, it’s not like it’s difficult. She will probably have lots more of it in her new flat because everyone knows that when you move out of home you have sex all the time, with lots of different people. I hope she doesn’t become a slut or get pregnant, because to be honest she is just not mature enough to handle that right now.

At least I have my room back to myself and all of her CRAP out of it. If she wants to have sex and then boast about it she can do it somewhere else.

September, 1995 – 14 years old

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! We are moving to Australia! I HATE MUM AND DAD SO MUCH!!!!!!! Why do they keep making us move, right when I’ve settled in and things are going really well?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? We are moving in Brisbane in October and it’s going to be SO SHIT I CAN’T EVEN BEAR IT!!!!!!!!

I have to leave my job and Kate and everyone and my life is OVER! I hate Australia! I can’t deal with starting at another school, especially not in stupid fucking Australia.

I hate my life.

October, 1995 – 14 years old

Five days until we leave. Charlotte’s not coming with us. She is so lucky. I am so depressed. Visited Kate today and we cried all afternoon. We have promised to write every day and never forget each other.

October, 1995 – 14 years old

Australia is rubbish. I can’t believe mum and dad made us move here. It’s so hot and humid. I miss England, and especially all of my friends there like Kate, Rachel, Ruth, Andrea and especially Andrew Gleeson. I don’t miss Anna Chesney because she is a bitch and she also thinks she’s really good, but I guess in every group there’s always one person who has to be crap.

Hot again. At least we have a pool.

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I am so embarrassing.