SEX AND THE CITY
A morality tale, in eight acts.
SPOILER ALERT! ENTIRE PLOT LIES AHEAD!
SPOILER ALERT! ENTIRE PLOT LIES AHEAD!
ACT ONE:
Carrie: I live with Big now. We are in love. I finally snared my man, which is the entire purpose of life obvs. Also, despite being 40 it appears I still haven't learnt to dress my age.
Miranda: I still live in Brooklyn. I hate my life. Sometimes I hate Steve, my husband but he redeems himself by doing cute things like pointing out the cappucino froth on my nose. Isn't married life funny?
Charlotte: To be honest, I don't even know why they brought me back into this film. Did I even read the script? It appears not. Not unless my character is actually SUPPOSED to be a squealing banshee with no discernable interests or purpose. Was I always like that? Probably.
Samantha: I live in Hollywood. With my lover, Smith Jerrod. I'm his manager now. We live in a really fucking ugly house on the beach. He has aged about 150 years since the series ended. Unfortunately, he still cannot act.
ACT TWO:
Carrie: Big and I are getting married! I made him propose when he bought me a beautiful penthouse. I asserted my independence by deciding to sell the beautiful apartment I impossibly rented for a number of years despite being only a measly columnist in a two bit local rag. Life's funny that way. Gee, I wonder if this will all blow up in my face?
Miranda: Fucking Steve fucking cheated on me and I can't forgive him, even though I'm a total bitch in the bedroom and make it feel like a transaction. A half yearly transaction. Also, I'm STILL complaining about living in Brooklyn. I have to leave Steve and live in the Ukranian part of town. Guess what? None of my friends care about my torment. What a surprise. I bet they'd care if I was Carrie.
Charlotte: Life is still pretty good for me. Hey, don't talk about sex in front of the kid! Let's call it 'colouring'. By injecting humour into this scene, we can pretend I'm still important to the storyline. Also, SQUEEEAAAAALLL!!!! Samantha's here! Again! For the 50 billionth time in the last five minutes! IT IS SO MUCH A SURPRISE THAT I HAVE TO SQUEAL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!
Samantha: Fuck's sake, do you have to squeal ALL the time Charlotte? We know you're the princess of the series, but sheesh. Anyway, I hate my life in Hollywood and there's a hot naked guy who fucks all these different girls every night of the week. Meanwhile, sex with Smith Jerrod has become a bit vanilla. Since we all know there's nothing more to my character than being a massive horndog, this is probably going to be an issue somewhere in the next
Steve: Miranda, don't leave me! I love you!
Miranda: I hate you. Fuck off. Big, don't marry Carrie! Me telling you that can in no way lead to what will dominate the rest of this film.
Carrie: I am the greatest! ME! ME! ME!
Charlotte: Squeal!
Samantha: How much longer til this film is over?
PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Act Three:
Carrie: Oh noes! That utter cunt, Big, has ditched me at the alter! Could it be because I was wearing a dead bird on my head? It couldn't possibly be because I'm the most annoying woman on Earth and the entire world MUST REVOLVE AROUND ME. What a bastard cunt. I shall sequester myself away for three days straight and refuse to eat. My friends will rally around me, because I am the centre of the universe. It doesn't matter that Miranda's marriage has fallen apart. ME!
Miranda: Ummm...hello? Perspective much? My marriage has fallen apart. Where's the love? Oh right. Carrie. She's in pain. Let's put everything aside and focus on her. Why are we on her honeymoon again?
Charlotte: I refuse to eat the food in Mexico because it could have cooties in it. I'll just eat these endless cups of pudding I found in the cupboard and be prissy all the time.......seriously. You're making me avoid the food in Mexico? Aren't I like, the most cultured out of all of the women? Is this seriously all you're giving me?
Samantha: Holy fucktards Miranda! You've got an entire bush hanging out of your swimsuit! No wonder Steve left you!
Carrie and Charlotte: stunned silence
Miranda: Fuck, give me a break! I'm a lesbian for fuck's sake. We're supposed to be hairy bitches. Also, HOW DARE YOU IMPLY MY MARRIAGE BREAKUP WAS MY FAULT? I shall now execute one of the first of many storm offs.
Charlotte: Woops, I think I just shit myself from accidentally drinking Mexican water...
ALL: LOL!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Act Four:
Carrie: Even though my life is incredibly unbusy given that I'm just a writer, I think I'll hire an assistant to do all the hard work for me like tackle the mail. Guess what? She's black! And she moved to New York for love! And I don't find it weird and/or saccharine at all that she openly admitted that in the interview! HIRED!
Assistant J.Hud: I rent bags! Designer bags! I'm black! And sassy!
Miranda: I can't forgive Steve. I can't figure out how to tell Carrie that her wedding standup was my fault. I AM IN TORMENT.
Charlotte: Squeal! I'm pregnant! I think I'll stop running to save the baby!
Carrie: You can't stop running! You love running!
Charlotte: I took up running again! And thus concludes my entire story arc. I need to get a better agent. Hey, at least I haven't aged as badly as the other ladies. It's all in the genes.
Samantha: Naked dude has a hot dick. I bought a dog that humps everything. Clearly, the writers are going for cheap laughs. No, seriously, how much longer does this film have left? I'm hanging on by a thread here.
Carrie: ME! ME! ME!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Act five:
Carrie: That fucking BITCH Miranda totes ruined my wedding! Jealous cunt! Just because she couldn't hold onto Steve she had to ruin MY happiness! FUCK I AM SO ANGRY I THINK I'LL STORM OUT!
Miranda: Carrie! Wait! Even though no one made any attempt to sympathise with my marriage breakdown (despite the fact that Steve and I have a CHILD) I shall prostrate myself to you because you are the sun, the moon, the earth, the everything! What will it take to forgive me?
Carrie: I can't forgive you!
Miranda: You must!
Carrie: Alright. Let's eat sandwiches and juice and I'll continue to ignore the fact I sidelined all attention away from you with my problems. M'kay?
Miranda: I am so grateful right now.
Charlotte: ...........................................
Samantha: Hi girls! I'm back! I have a problem. I am totes lusting after my next door neighbour. I think Smith and I might be over, but instead of facing it I've just been eating like a mofo.
ALL: Woah bitch. You got FAT.
[girls the world over rush to vomit up their dinner]
Assistant: I come from St Louis! I'm going back for Christmas! Wonder if I'll meet my high school boyfriend their and reignite our flame? Probably.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Act Six:
Carrie: I'm so depressed. My assistant has left me to get married. Even though she moved to New York and could have had a career. And is only in her 20s. What does she have that I don't? Low expectations probably. Well, she IS black. Oh look, she left me her LOVE keyring. I wonder if that will be the password to the secret file she kept of all of Big's plagiourised love letters to me? I bet it is. That would be totally rad! And not at all completely shit in terms of plotline!
Miranda: Steve and I are back together! I forgave him! And now we have hot sex! Life is good.
Charlotte: I had a baby. It is my life long dream and now my life is complete. Thus endeth my purpose.
Samantha: Smith, it's over. Basically, I am the man character in the group which means I have to be single to fuck a lot of guys. You understand.
Act Seven:
Carrie: After discovering all of Big's plagiourised love letters, I raced over to the penthouse and GUESS WHAT? He was totally standing there holding a pair of shoes I'd left there. Yeah, we kissed and it is all SO RAD now. He totes proposed, but like, in the proper way this time. With a shoe! Get it?! Like Cinderella! See, fairytales DO come true. Life is good!
Miranda: Yay Carrie! Your reconciliation will totally eclipse mine! You deserve it girl! Life is good! Hey, remember that time in the movie when I called you on New Year's Eve and you came over to keep me company? I've been wondering...why did you wear your pyjamas under a coat but bother to put on stilettos? That was.....weird.
Charlotte: I'm a mom! Life is good!
Samantha: Now I'm free of Smith Jerrod, I can move back to New York and turn 50! Life is good!
Act Eight:
Carrie: Look at us! Just four girls, living the life in New York, shooting the breeze, drinking cosmos. Who would have thunk it would all turn out so good? We rock. ME! ME!
ALL: SQUEEEEEEAAAAALLLLL!
THE END.
In case you didn't get it, I thought the movie sucked ass.
Peace out (seriously. i actually paid to see that bilge. i feel violated.)
Excellent post!
ReplyDeleteThank yopu.
Given the general tone of your blog (which I, more often than not, admire), why did you even see this movie?
ReplyDeleteFor nasty blog fodder?
I just think that most women who saw this movie (myself included) realise that the whole thing was fantasy and not something to aspire to.
oh clem. that was perfect. PERFECT.
ReplyDeleteI thought the movie sucked ass too..
Vanessa x
lil shaz - I actually really liked the last season of the show. I wanted to like the film, and I expected a bit of fantasy and fluff. I just couldn't get over how trite and patronisingly cliche the whole thing was. I was also really annoyed that the four women, who'd been fantastical figures in the series yes, but also all quite awesome, had suddenly morphed into overblown caricatures of their former selves. I did like some parts of it. The final scene with the women together was actually quite heart warming. As for nasty blog fodder...if you've read this blog for awhile you'll know that sometimes sarcasm forms a part of it. Just because I thought the movie was shitty doesn't mean I'm blasting other women for liking it.
ReplyDeletePetstarr and I were discussing it just the other day and she thinks I'm way too harsh about it.
agirlcalledness - Such a disappointment!
I haven't seen it and don't think I'll shell out $15 to do so. It sounds as though what was good on the small screen should have stayed there.
ReplyDeleteI used to watch it mostly to enjoy working myself up in a self-righteous huff about how Carrie's only purpose was to shack up with Big and somehow afford to buy designer shoes on a tiny columnist's salary. Love Chunks would watch it with me if only to comment each and every time about SJP - "Why is SHE the star - she looks like a horse and the other three are way hotter".
At least it didn't cost me anything.
A better abridged script than the usually excellent "Editing Room" managed. (This was their version.)
ReplyDeleteCouldn't read it because I still kind of want to see it (I think I'm kidding myself, last film I saw in the cinema was Juno, which was months ago). I hated the series and then suddenly I loved the series...I am sure the movie is shite, but I am hoping it will have enough vacuous feelgood factor for me to work through the cringing.
ReplyDeleteNever watched the show. Never wanted to. Have no plans to see the movie. Still loved this post though.
ReplyDeletecouldn't have put it better myself; although i did find one minor error
ReplyDeletethe Ukranian part of NYC IS in Brooklyn...
At least we didn't waste my free passes on this silly (in the crappy way, not the frivolous and fun way) film.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but wonder (get it, I AM CARRIE)if the show was so lauded for its sparkling dialogue and wit how could other fans of the tv show have liked the movie? What were they watching the show for? Did people really watch for the shoe porn?
I mean dog humping, sure as a one off sight gag, but every time we saw Samantha the dog was rooting a teddy bear. Save it for the Adam Sandler flicks, please!!!!
This was so very excellent. And now I don't have to see the movie. Hoorah!
ReplyDeleteLike, totally sexy post Audrey. Well better go watch the ball game with some buds and sink some brewskies, while laughing our asses off about the so-called "G-spot" and how Samantha likes to swallow. I'm a MAN. YEAH. WOO. GOD BLESS AMERICA.
ReplyDeleteGenius, Audrey. So accurate it's scary.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing you didn't see it at the Chelsea on the night of the local Labor Party booze-up. I'm sure you would have said something about the drunken sixtysomethings who talked all the way through, if you had.
I've seen it twice now, and I loved it. You have to cut off some of your brain function to enjoy it totally, I'll concede, but it wasn't all THAT terrible.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah: Jennifer Hudson's character did seem... superfluous.
Why? You didn't see the suckfulness coming? Mind you, I detested the show.
ReplyDeleteJeremy is right- this was worthy of TER. Nice work.
Oh Audrey! Really this was a FABULOUS film, so realistic in the way it portrays strong independant women, I am surprised you missed the WHOLE point of the film. I will surmise:
ReplyDeleteHaving a child will in NO WAY stop you from taking a week off to go to Mexico.
Being infertile will in NO WAY stop you from becoming pregnant.
Being commitment-phobic will in NO WAY stop you from getting married.
Being a root rat in a relationship will in NO WAY make you less of a root rat.
Being an insignificant and superfluous character will in NO WAY damage your promising Hollywood career (even if you didn't get to sing).
And finally, in NO WAY will No. 1 box office figures hurt your studio.
(Insert Product Placement Here [glad I wasn't the only one who noticed])
Keep on blogging babe!
Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI really can't be bothered seeing this film. I suppose I shall sometime, at least I'll have your brilliant version playing in my head to keep me entertained.
Sex and the City always gave with one hand and took with the other (ie. women's friendships are as or more important than other relationships vs I gotta have a man to be happy), the film seemed to take in a rather greater ratio though hey. But I always liked Big, flawed though he was and I kinda liked seeing him and that amazing apartment in the film.
ReplyDeleteThe product placement seriously slowed down the plot, too annoying.
I liked this post and I liked the movie.
ReplyDeleteRefuse to see this pile of shit... and your post justifies my stance.
ReplyDeleteHilarious writing - loved it.
Perfect post. I dunno but in real life if the love of my life stood me up at the altar I can't imagine us getting it on for a cutesy happy ending. Also, never-ending supplies of money for all!
ReplyDeletei really liked the film.
ReplyDeleteand, what product placement?
and, Miranda moved to Chinatown.