I was dragged out of bed at the obscenely early hour of 6:30 this morning in order to take part in my covert other life as a media spy. There should be a law... Do you know it's not even light at this time of day? No one should be forced to wake up before the sun does. It's rude, I feel.
Apart from anything, have you any idea how utterly freezing it is in the pre dawn hours? In case you didn't, I'll tell you. Fucking.
In amongst dull conversations regarding legislation in the Northern Territory and depressing insights into the failure of our government departments,* I had the great displeasure of receiving this snippet from a fellow worker ant who, like me, clearly takes pleasure in injecting a certain je n'est cais quois into his summaries.
Samuel, if you're reading this please don't be offended that I reworded parts of it. You know I have to, else the bigwigs might shoot me for stealing.
Station: ABC Central Australia Program:
NT Country Hour Time (AKA killmenowthisprogamissoboringiwanttodiekthxbye): 12:00 25/06/2008
Compere: Andrew Collins
According to Collins, pregnancy is the goal of a group of buffalo breeders in the Top End. He says one of the important things in buffalo breeding is having on hand supplies of quality semen. Apparently, the problem is that the semen has previously been difficult to collect. Luckily a breakthrough has been made! Barry Lemke from the Dept of Primary Industries says a gentleman called Alf Turner has been doing AI work for the Dept. Turner uses the tried and tested technique for semen harvesting, with one arm in the rectum to stimulate the prostate. He says an electro-stimulator used on normal cattle has not been successfully used on buffalo [ :( - aa]. He says it only took five seconds to get a good sample, but they missed half of it because it came so quickly.
Maybe they should come up with some kind of baby bonus structure for the buffalo? That will get them all comshocking like nobody's business.
Seriously, imagine the conversations at parties..
INT: Living room. Guests mill and binge drink.
Foxy lady: Soo......I notice you have the lithe and supple body of a man who knows the benefit of an honest day's work.
Turner: Why thank you ma'am.
Foxy lady: What do you do exactly?
Turner: Oh, I specialise in anally fisting buffalo and harvesting their baby batter.
Foxy lady: ....................................
Turner: It's swell :) .
Foxy lady: I have to go over here now.
Yes, yes, it's gross I know. But if I have to ride my bike in the arctic glacial chill of an Adelaide pre dawn morning, then it's my absolute pleasure to bring you all along for a bit of the ride.
Peace out ("err...I'll just shake your left hand, hmm?")
* Two words. Forced. Sterilisation.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Home, home on the range...
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10 apples:
Offended? Me? Never. I enjoyed sharing this little dollop of milky goodness with my fellow ants. The re-wording doesn't change the warm feeling I get at the pit of my something when thinking about it.
OH MY GOD GROSS EW.
My work here is done.
I FINALLY GET AROUND TO READING YOUR BLOG AGAIN AND THIS IS WHAT YOU POST?
BLLLARRRGHHHH!
Jesus Christ. I'm unsure as to what the appropriate response is. But there must be a certain sense of perverse satisfaction when they have to fill in their job description on a census form every four years.
Also, getting up before the sun is not only the height of rudeness, it's utterly, utterly depressing.
Speechless
As much as I love the NT, there are some things about what goes on there I don't really need, nor want, to know.
And yes, I said the same thing this morning at 5 am.
Ungodly, I believe was the term I used, and I am an atheist. That time of the morning makes me believe in satan.
On the subject of gross cow things, my cousin is studying to be a vet in Wagga and they have cows with windows in them to play around with.
The cows have been opened up and their skin replaced with some see-thru plastic which is velcroed on so they can put their hands in whenever they want to look for organs.
Delightfully educational!
I have to get up for work before the sun every damn day. (As I routinely work 13 hour days I go home after it too, in winter).
Next time I am doing the rounds at 6am, when the temp is ONE degree, I'll try to remind myself that it could be worse. And I'll put it to the vote with other staff members, because this is obviously a deep issue.
Anally fisting buffalo.
I may never again in my entire life enjoy a phrase so much.
"..have you any idea how utterly freezing it is in the pre dawn hours?" Yes. Yes I do. 4 or 5 mornings a week I rise at 4am or 4.15am so that I have enough time to cook and eat my porridge before walking to work where I start at 6 or 6.30am depending on the roster.I put up with this because I really love finishing early and being home again by lunch time every day.
Anally fisting...that's more than I EVER wanted to know about animal husbandry.
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