Moral panic 'boring, predictable'.

Snap.

And I'm back.

After a little absence it seems only appropriate that I launch straight back into 'the fold' with one of those lesbian-pinko-socialist posts you know I'm so fond of. What can I say? I is what I is.

As you know, in addition to being paid to deliver obnoxious and divisive opinions on a weekly basis, I work as a media monitor. This means I get to listen to largely right wing talk back shows while shaking my fist in the air with rage. One such show is 5AA's Chris Kenny, former Chief of Staff to Alexander Downer, aka everybody's favourite has-been.

Despite spluttering angrily about the fact that people take climate change seriously (it's a big lie apparently - Kenny obviously got his Diploma in Science from the University of Opposite Day), Kenny is a fan of taking other alarmist articles and discussing them as if they're fact.

Observe the following summary:

"Kenny talks about a major survey conducted by the Australian Woman's Weekly magazine. Deputy Editor Jo Wiles joins Kenny. The survey involves almost 15,000 women aged 20 and above. Some of the major findings were that Aust'n women are stressed, unhappy with their looks and increasingly seeking solace in alcohol and drugs. Kenny says this is disturbing. Wiles says the worrying evidence is that women are putting their health at risk. She says one in five women avoid looking in mirrors. One in ten women turn to prescription medication to lose weight. Kenny asks how the respondents were selected. Wiles says last November an incredibly comprehensive survey was run in the magazine. Wiles says the AWW is a replica of the Aust'n population at large. They have readers of all ages and demographics. They discuss how frightening it is how many women are drinking and smoking to alleviate stress. Wiles says the new issue has coverage of Catriona Rowntree's wedding and how the first lady of France has managed to seduce the British public and the Royals."

The survey in question spawned this syndicated article, my favourite headline of which was:

"Aussie women, 'drunk, confused'"

In the interests of keeping journalists accountable, let's do a little checklist to make sure they've paid to strict attention to the memo that should be thumbtacked above their desks: Making Women Feel Stupid: If We Don't Do It, Who Will?



"Most Australian women drink too much and feel bad about their weight, with some so troubled they avoid mirrors, a survey has found.

- Be deliberately vague about actual numbers in your opening paragraph. It's far catchier to imply large tribes of women are engaged in moronic activity than to honestly admit it's only a small percentage, some of the time. CHECK.

They are stressed, confused about diet and don't exercise enough, an Australian Women's Weekly survey of 15,000 women has found.

- Walk the fine line between concern and accusation. You want to make women seem incapable, but you don't want to blatantly label them retarded. We find words like 'confused' and 'clueless' achieve the desired effect of making them seem completely unable to care for themselves (the lost darlings) while not seeming too mean. They're the div kids remember, and no one likes a bully. CHECK.

"The worrying evidence is that women are putting their health at risk," says Deborah Thomas, the magazine's editorial director.

- Remember: Concern first, criticism later. We want them to think this is coming from a place of love. CHECK.

Only one in six women were happy with their weight, the survey found.

One in five had such a poor body image they avoided mirrors and 45 per cent would have cosmetic surgery if they could afford it.

- Fail to acknowledge that said 'evidence' comes from multiple choice questions and hence has parameters that are not only restrictive but completely unable to reflect the nuances and changeable nature of a woman's complex self image. It's irrelevant if they only sometimes avoid looking in mirrors if they have, say, their period and are feeling fat or they're having a bad hair day or they just don't give a flying fuck WHAT they look like on a particular given day. The key here is rounding up. If you've avoided one mirror, you've avoided them all. CHECK.

More than a quarter of the women were confused about what constituted a healthy diet, and 26 per cent failed to eat vegetables every day.

Women weren't getting enough exercise - only 45 per cent exercised for 30 minutes or more at least three times a week.

- Quit playing the concerned mother type. It's time for some tough love. Highlight their shortcomings. Identify activities that are desirable in a fully formed, responsible, attractive and successful woman. Then shine the flashlight on all those schleppers dropping the ball so they can sit on their fat asses. CHECK.

Daily drinking, mostly to ease stress or unwind, has declined among women - 16 per cent now drink every day, down from 19 per cent in 1980.

But binge drinking appeared to be rife, with a third drinking too much and one in five women admitting she had been told she had a drinking problem.

Few of the women smoked, just 18 per cent, but most were happy to continue, partly to help with stress.

- Exaggerate the social concerns of the day. For example, people in Australia are very worried about binge drinking because it's a social ill and causes liver disease, violence and dependency. But they're especially worried about women binge drinking, because it turns them into unladylike sluts who get blind drunk and have sex with men so they can accuse them of rape and ruin their lives. Even though these figures are comparable to male levels of binge drinking and are possibly even lower, it won't be necessary to mention this because everyone knows men are inherently more capable of making responsible choices. This is mainly because they don't have the confusion gene that affects women. Also, even low statistics can be used to make women look bad if you manipulate them to suggest prevailing devil-may-care attitudes. CHECK.

When it came to ageing, more women - 62 per cent - were worried about getting Alzheimers disease, than their partners dying - 57 per cent.

Other big fears were losing touch with children and deteriorating health.

- Insert the boring facts at the end. People will feel so outraged/worried/superior about all the made up bullshit they've just read that they won't care about the genuine concerns women have, like death, mental deterioration or the welfare of their families. Snooze! CHECK.

Nine per cent of the women had tried cosmetic surgery - but one in 10 of them said it wasn't worth either the money or the pain.

- Mention cosmetic surgery. It highlights how vain women are. Confuse readers by mixing statistical modes of reference so eventually the only thing they know they can definitely believe is that 9 out of 10 women have had cosmetic surgery at some stage, and only 1 said it wasn't worth it. CHECK.

The survey also found most women had been depressed at some stage, with one in 10 currently depressed."

- Reinforce the message. If they weren't depressed before reading the article, make sure as shit they're depressed afterwards. Thus, the natural order is restored. CHECK.


And even though this article was a vacuous black hole of substance from start to finish, it still doesn't surprise me that news outlets voraciously gobbled up that hokum about the binge drinking. Women are worried about Alzheimer's, their children, their partners dying, the constant pressure to be beautiful, thin and capable? Incidental! We know what the real story is here!

"Australian women 'drunk, confused'."

Peace out (I'm off to smash a few mirrors)