Columne the firste.

I've made it fairly obvious through the use of pathetically veiled clues that I have recently scored a weekly column here in A-town. Some of you have been asking where you can read said work. Unfortunately, they aren't being uploaded to the news website (yet - I'm planning on barracking to have this changed...) so I'll just have to reproduce them for you here.

I won't post them until at least a day or two after publication, because it seems like the fair thing to do. Remember Adelaidians, if you want first squiz at it, pick up a copy of the Sunday Mail on, well, Sundays, and turn to page 112.

Today's column comes to you from the 18th November and marked my 'debut'.

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Queer As Folk
First published in the Sunday Mail, Adelaide
18/11/2007

There's a scene during an episode of The Office in which Tim and Gareth are mulling over that old logic chestnut involving a chicken, a fox, a bag of corn and how the farmer may best ferry them across the river.

Gareth: Why can't he just get his wife to keep an eye on them?
Tim: He doesn't have a wife.
Gareth: All farmers have wives.
Tim: Not this one, he's gay.

Pause.

Gareth: Well, he shouldn't be allowed near animals then.

The brilliance of Ricky Gervais' humour stems mainly from its ability to make the viewer squirm uncomfortably at the recognisability of his characters. After all, Gareth isn't so unique. He's obsessed with the army, has career ambition and likes to label his stationery. He's also a pratt with a stupid haircut who honestly believes himself cosmopolitan because he refers to black people as 'coloureds' instead of 'darkies' and happens to think gay people are, well, a bit queer.

We laugh not just because Gareth's concerns are completely insane, but because there are an unfortunate number of people who actually think this way - as if same sex attraction is the equivalent of wanting to roger the entire farm six ways from Sunday!

Today, approximately 20 queer couples are donning their handbags and gladrags to attend Loved Up as part of the Feast Festival. On Montefiore Hill, these couples will pledge their commitment to each other as part of a mass gay wedding. Good on them I say. No matter which way I look at it, I just can't see what's so offensive and frightening about two loved up queer folk getting hitched.

Okay, so there's the traditional marriage argument. Marriage exists to mark the union between a man and woman, under God, please go off and procreate etc. But denying gay people the right to marry based on their exclusion from the traditional religious model should logically mean also denying straight couples who choose not to have God present.

I'm no theologian, but a quick stab in the dark seems to imply that for a marriage to be truly traditional, it would require some recognition of the woman as masculine property, the payment of a hefty dowry and the saving of nocturnal fumblings for a terrifying treat on the wedding night. Given that more and more couples are choosing to leave religious deities off the guest list, how can we still legislate based on the notion of tradition?

Frankly, considering the oppressive preaching heaped upon us from the self appointed saviours of our souls, I'm more offended by the idea of two fundamental evangelicals hitching their wagons to each other and breeding than I am by the concept of Mr and Mr Smith.

There are only five nations in the world that recognize same sex marriages and 15 that allow same sex civil unions (including some states in the US). Australia, the lucky country, the greatest country on earth according to some, recognises neither. A Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission (HREOC) report released in June revealed that there are 58 instances of discrimination against same sex couples in the Australian federal law, most of which amount to financial disadvantages.

Of course, with an election drawing ever nearer it's unsurprising to see the flailing government suddenly remember that the pesky gays can vote. When Malcolm Turnbull realised that whole communities of that lot lived in his electorate, he announced that a re-elected Coalition would allow interdependent same sex couples to share each other's public pensions and superannuation.

Even if I wasn't such a cynic, I'd realise that it's a blatant attempt on the part of the Coalition to snaffle votes. It's not enough for Turnbull and co to think gays are just a bit wrong - it seems they also think they're all stupid. Newsflash Turnbull - your pals can't spend 11 years telling an entire group of people that they're deviants and then expect them to wag their tails just because you threw them a bone.

It's high time that Australia backed up all this 'greatest country in the world' hoopla. Honestly, aren't there greater things to worry about than whether or not your next door neighbour is only interested in Dorothy as a friend? We're none of us perfect and that whole Biblical bit about not casting stones is quite inspired.

My mother always said that it's easy to keep someone in a trashcan, but to make sure they stay there you have to sit on the lid. Answer? No one moves anywhere. Let's embrace each other's difference!

After all, you know what they say. There's nowt so queer as folk...

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Mail received: Two letters, both nice. I was quite surprised, let me tell you. Wait til you hear about some of the hate mail I got for columne the seconde...

UPDATE: I'll be on Amanda Blair's 5AA (1395 on the AM dial) talkback show tomorrow at around 1pm if y'all want to tune in. I imagine I'll make great mention of being a big scary feminist.

Peace out (anonymice, don't even be tempted to beat the 'gay marriage is wrong' horse again..200 comments of claptrap from both sides is enough for anyone to wade through.)