Ten things I hate about you

A short time ago, the lovely Redcap tagged me to do a meme on things I hate about people. I can't think why on earth she would choose me for this - lord knows I am nothing but sweetness and light, and never say a bad word about anyone unless they've been truly very wicked and naughty.

Ahem.

Sadly, there are too many things I hate about people to really count, which might explain why it's taken me so long to get around to this. That and the fact that I'm lazy.

So without further ado, I present:

You can take your godawful idiosynchrasies and fuck the hell off.
A story in ten parts.

1. People who say 'thanking you' instead of the perfectly acceptable 'thank you'.
I know you're thanking me. I'm the one whose paid you for the burnt, too frothy, not anywhere near worth $4 coffee you've just handed me. Must you describe what you're doing as you do it?
Honestly, it's like autism gone wrong. I especially hate this when they add that infuriating lilt to the voice, like 'thhhhhaAank-ing you!' I find this is a crime committed mostly by middle aged people who work in delis.

2. Men who ride their bikes with no hands

You know the type. They ride along busy city streets with their hands in their pockets or their arms crossed or something equally annoying and they fix everyone they pass with smug, superior expressions. I'd like to poke a stick through their wheel and see how smug they are then. Wankers.

3. Customer service representatives who are determined to let you know just how bored they are with their jobs

I get it. Working in Target IS shit. It's boring and loud and annoying and there are so many people buying bad jumpers that you can barely contain yourself. But seriously. When I'm standing in front of you buying my NW magazine and tights that will invariably pill after one wear, could you at least TRY not to look like you're conciously affecting some great emo stance? You know, some people in Africa don't even have checkouts.

4. People who claim not to care about something but then go on about the injustice of it.

I'm looking at that great gimp of a 'mastermind' on Big Brother. When Crater Face Andrew found out that only boys could be nominated this week, he bitched and moaned for about four million years about how unfair it was. "I mean, I couldn't even give a BEEP if I was BEEPING voted out - it's just that it's so BEEPING wrong." Then someone new would walk into the room and he'd start all over again. Memo to Crater Face - you are a meat purse.

5. Ppl who typ n rite in txt lngge - u fkrs no who u r

Honestly. I've said it before and I'll say it again - reading that shit is like taking to my eyes with a rusty cheese grater. I've argued with my friend lili over this. She maintains that it's just another example of evolving language and that it's a waste of time being offended by it. I think it looks like the neanderthalic dribblings of a maladjusted race unfamiliar with the basic concept of phonetics let alone language structure. I dislike it in text messages though I can handle it - after all, some of my best friends are language outlaws when it comes to phones. But when people type in that illegible form it drives me crazy with rage. I would never go out with a man that text abbreviated.

6. Girls who refuse to adhere to the principles of the weather

Winter is a time most commonly characterised by rain, dreary skies and unbearable cold. It is not a time to be wearing boob tubes and short skirts with nary a skerrick of jacket in sight. You will get a urinary tract infection which will lead to kidney disease and you will become a drain on the public health system. You are selfish and by the way, you look stupid.

Similarly, winter is not a time to be wearing flip flops, even when teamed with a scarf.

7. Boys with long fingernails

Unless you play the guitar, your fingernails should be kept nice and short and preferably clean. Dirt encrusted in the hands is acceptable if you are a tradesman because it shows you are not afraid of a hard day's work and probably can build things around the house for your lady love. This kind of dirt is most attractive. Dirty fingernails are never acceptable when you're in the house or in the presence of your lady friend because it shows you haven't taken the time to 'wash up a bit'. Long fingernails on the hands of boys who are neither tradesmen nor guitarists are a sign of laziness and are not to be tolerated by any self respecting lass.

8. Second wave feminists

Seriously ladies. Get over it. There's a new posse in town and we just don't like doing things your way. Stop acting as we've betrayed the sisterhood. Similarly, stop writing 'women' as 'womyn' and 'wimmin'. It is so cringesome it hurts.

9. People who talk during the tv

It is a sacred moment between me and my box. Can you not respect that? I don't come in and yell at you when you're trying to read a book or sleep do I? Just because it is lowbrow entertainment does not mean it doesn't deserve the reverence afforded to libraries and art galleries.

10. People who let their kids run around restaurants screaming at the top of their lungs

You think:
Your kids are beautiful. They are unique snowflakes. Every thought they have should be solicited and expressed. You should ask your children what they think about complex world issues and everyone at the table should listen with reverence at their profound opinion.You should encourage them to interrupt adults with the thoughtful considered approach of a 5 year old. There are no topics too sensitive for their ears and they are always welcome to intrude on any situation.

We think:
Your kids smell. They are noisy. They are obnoxious. They whine. They are irritating. They are loud. They stop us from enjoying our otherwise pleasant meals. We DON'T care what they think, but you think that we should. You, by proxy, are the most annoying people we know.


And those are just some of the things I hate about people.

But right now I am in a lovely mood, for I have been out on a date with a charmingly shy Canadian boy. I think I might have freqed him out a bit when I suddenly declared by the taxis that I have a policy of not kissing on the first date. I must learn to be a better girl and to keep my mouth shut. Still. Enjoyable evening nonetheless. We made flashcards with trivia questions. He had also confided to me earlier that his greatest secret was loving Les Miserables but that he could never let his friends know. So, naturally, I made him a bunch of badges with Les Mis stuff on them and made him wear them.

Peace out (Do you hear the people sing?)

UPDATE:

Oh crumbs, I forgot to tag.

Nai, Lady Pirate, Amanda, Luli, Pens, Franzy, Ilse - away with your good selves and bring on your lists.